Due to my past, it was hard for me to discover what a normal relationship is. I wrestled with the idea in my head over and over. What were healthy things to do in a relationship? I always thought of my favorite movie, 'Eye Of The Beholder', when the main character says, 'What do you do in a house? When you wake up in it?' In fact, during Christmas time, I would often repeat her mantra of, Merry Christmas daddy, merry fucking Christmas.' When I would fail at yet another relationship, I would put that movie on, sip on wine, and repeat her lines as though they were mine. The whole while I would be thinking of what to change next about myself. I became some sort of emotional Frankenstein or a personality chameleon. Like a jigsaw puzzle, I would think of pieces I needed to take out and which pieces fit where. It's amazing the time and effort I put into molding myself.
By the time my husband re-entered my life I was a hodge-podge of thoughts and feelings meant for other men. Yet, on those first talks, I opened myself up to him completely. This was the boy I knew all those years ago, and I had nothing to fear from him, he knew me before I had the shell I developed. We talked for hours and hours - my phone would get so hot it would burn my face by the time we were through. When we reconnected, I was between contracts, so it wasn't difficult for us to spend 12 or more hours on the phone. We would talk about spirituality, fate, Deepak Chopra and Henry David Thoreau. We would talk about High School, old friends, and future plans. Memories we shared, like being in choir, were nuggets of gold to us. They still are. And I was free to be myself - I was free to forget my mask. It was liberating.
Sometimes, as we go about our daily lives, we unexpectedly get jolts of "This is the person I went to High School with and didn't see for about 10 years!", and it tickles us both. Through every move I make, he is there - rallying behind me. We have issues, as any couple might, but there are some things that won't change, and those things make our love special - as there are things in your relationships that make your loves special. Those are the things that keep us strong. Those things, and genuine love, keep us holding hands, laughing, teasing, pushing and pulling and hitting with pillows - we are kept safe by all of this.
My favorite things to do with my hubby (besides sex people):
Edit my writings
Go for walks in the park
Troll Facebook
My least favorite things to do with my hubby:
Talk politics
Argue about work/money
Take his advice
LOL and a big HA!
So, there is news, I have decided to release my first 30 blog entries as a self-published book. There will be a lot more details and I suspect I will be giving people aliases just to make the stories easier to follow. I think maybe it can do some good. . .
Tomorrow, God and I. . .
