Writing this blog, and choosing to tell certain people in my life that this blog exists, has had consequences. I've always been one to stand firm in my decisions - to take my punishment or reward - but now. . . now I'm afraid to talk.
I've said so much already. I've uttered words that have held such power over me when they only existed in my head. My silence was my comfort and buffer against further harm and pain. When I chose to release them into the world, for eyes other than my own, I chose to expose my innards. Some of the results I anticipated: friends and family worried; maybe even some would be upset. Other results I could have never anticipated; for instance, I get the impression that some folks are using my more graphic stories as some form of pornography, the antithesis of my intention.
One result that I could have only hoped for is that my stories would be shared with other young women, as raw and real as they are, and that they would avoid the pitfalls, or understand their own experiences better. It was a gift to hear those words from one my readers.
And yet, here I am again, afraid to talk. Afraid to talk about things that people close to me may not have known. I'm afraid to know whether my words have hurt people I love or whether they have changed opinions of me. Because despite the whole sticks and stones adage, words do have power. During my 30 day purge, I was a shaman feeding visions to my tribe and casting off demons. Now the power I wielded has diminished and my staff no longer protects me from what may jump from the mists in the fire burning before me. I am powerless against the thoughts resulting from my actions. I am weak.
I am weak.
I am weak and my movements serve to elude the slings and arrows of speech; avoiding phone calls, ignoring texts, and fretting over emails I have yet to receive. Because I know that one more negativity resulting from my past will be the final wisp of a breeze that sends me careening over the cliff of my life into the chasm of my despair. and so yes,
i am afraid to talk
Tomorrow, Rapscallions!. . .
