The Accident

The comments I've been getting and the direct emails have all led me to one conclusion: There are people out there, who have been touched, and want to touch others - ease their pain and load. It's such a wonderful feeling to have that knowledge. It makes me smile to believe that this is part of normal everyday behavior. It gives me joy, that things as mundane as peanut butter, and work, and school, are not the only normal everyday activities. Loving, is also a part of that equation. Most have a natural love for their parents. Most would crumble upon seeing one of their parents in pain.

I was very standoffish from my family at one point in my life. No calls, no visits, just me working and going to school. It was mundane, and I was happy, because my life has always been filled with such drama. I wanted to have a bit of peace for once. I just wanted life to leave me alone.

It was Sunday, and I received a call in the middle of the day. My mother was in the hospital, she had been in a car accident 2 days ago. She had been in the hospital 2 whole days without any of her children knowing. I rushed there and found her in a bed. A rod through her right ankle used to hold up her leg, a seatbelt bruise across her chest, her teeth shattered, her femur broken in 3 places; but she was alive and she was awake. I couldn't hold myself together. It was torture watching her in pain and so banged up.

For the next few days my brothers and I were in and out of the hospital. One night around 2 o'clock in the morning she called me and said the doctors wanted to give her a blood transfusion, but she didn't want one - and if she had to have one she wanted blood from me or one of my brothers. I called my brothers and we rushed to the hospital. They wouldn't let us see her because it was so early in the morning. We were helpless, we stayed for an hour or so, and then we each went home. The next day I dragged myself to work. It was difficult managing my responsibilities there and trying to keep up with the needs (physical and emotional) of my mother. I drifted into a deep depression.

When my mother came out of the hospital, I couldn't be there for her. I was fighting myself to get out of bed in the morning. I was forcing myself to go outside. I went for days without using my voice, not talking to a soul. The longer I stayed in the depression, the worse I felt, because I knew my mother needed me and I wasn't there. I was in some sort of death spiral and I didn't know how to stop it. I had always been the strong one for my family; coordinating events, making sure people had what they needed, and now I was useless.

The accident took away my mother as I knew her, it took away my sense of my mother's immortality, it took away my ability to function for a while.

One day I awoke and decided to have an internal dialogue with God. I needed guidance and faith. I decided that I had to be stronger than my circumstances, no matter what they were. Little by little I began participating in life again, more so, I began spending time with my mother and supporting her in her recovery. I tried to invite her out whenever the mood struck me. We would have dinner, go to the movies, go for walks in the park. One day, she told me that the times I would call her for us to do something together were usually times when she was at her lowest. Times when her pain was so excruciating she didn't want to live, by then she had developed RSD ( Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome) as a result of the trauma from the car accident - RSD is a complicated reoccurring pain disease that is incurable.

It brought me joy to know that I could help her in that way. I knew she needed support emotionally; she was going in and out of the hospital since her accident due to pain. I thanked God that I could be there when she needed me despite the emotional distress I felt watching her deteriorate, because I knew that no matter what, we would have each other.

Tomorrow, Leaving Home