Saturday, April 2, 2011

Young Phenious Walks

Well, I have lost my file for Young Phenious Walks and there goes my latest and greatest children's book. I will have to start over, but I did manage to find a song that was to be inserted in the book.

Until then, please enjoy these poems:

2-2-10
Scotch tape my tears in place
So I don't lose track
Of when and where my heart broke
I want to save them
For you to laugh and grin
And for when I am at my highest
My peak
My best
So I never forget
The tears i've shed

2-3-10
I am unsure of what to do, my mind is a-stir and there is no grip to prevent the spinning
My sickness leaves me
Lashing and thrashing
And wanting nothing more than to soil me
But I care not
For I am alone
And frightened
And in need of shelter
Inside
So
Outside
May yet reside
Without complaint or interference from me
As time still
Full throttles
Tossed and twisted I will be


Tomorrow, Feed Me Your Soul. . .

Friday, April 1, 2011

I'm A Donkey

I intended to write this post about playing Texas Hold'em, which I do occasionally at casinos around the country. I intended to write about taking big risks; going for outside straights and getting them, bluffing 20 times the pot and winning, looking someone in the eyes and being able to tell they're lying.

But now that I think about it, I don't really have much more to say on the subject other than what I just said, which probably makes me an even bigger donkey for picking this subject. So what now? I'm not sure.

What games do you like to play and who are your favorite players?

For me, in the game of Texas Hold'em, I favor Tom Dwan - I think he encompasses a number of styles of play that I like - plus he isn't that bad to look at and although he started out cocky he seems to have matured. Phil Hellmuth used to irk me, but now I find him more amusing. I like Daniel Negreanu as well.

I have a sort of equilibrium, sober I don't do as well as I do semi-drunk, so I take in a few drinks - I guess it helps loosen up my play and keeps me more interested in the game. My husband and I have very different styles, when we play tourneys together we often split the pot or we fight to the end to see who the ultimate winner is. We don't keep numbers, but I would say I win 50% of the time.

At home games one of use usually wins; we don't mind taking the money of our friends and family in a fair game. But at the casinos we both lose just about as much as we win. . .

Lately my game seems to be roulette :) 

By the way, a donkey in poker is a person who lacks playing skill and makes outrageous moves that the odds are against.

 
Tomorrow, Young Phenious Walks. . .

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Eat Me, Drink Me

I want to admit something today: I have given myself food poisoning. I know, I know, you must be thinking that I'm a really bad cook - or a really dirty one - but you would be wrong, I am in fact, I really low-energy hostess with bad vision when I first wake up.

You see, the worst case I ever had was after I had thrown myself my 25th birthday party at my apartment. I served fried chicken, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes and appetizers. I had 15 guests, and we laughed and reminisced and drank and ate. There were large serving bowls of food everywhere; when my guests left I was exhausted and fell asleep on my couch - all of those serving bowls of leftover food still in the dining room. It was 3am.

When I awoke, it was about 3pm the next day and I was starving. I picked up a piece of chicken from the serving platter and took a bite, then I picked up a cob of corn and took a bite. I walked to the kitchen, poured myself a drink, and walked back to the living room. By the time I reached the couch, I had experienced a pain I never felt in my life. I was sweating and my stomach was cramping so bad I couldn't stand up straight. It was like Mike Tyson was giving me body blows. I collapsed on the couch and passed out. 2 hours later I woke up still sweating. I struggled off the couch and staggered to the table. The chicken still looked and smelled fine, but when I picked up the corn, there was bright blue mold all over the sweet yellow kernels. There was the culprit, so obvious now that I was actually paying attention.

And so people, I nearly killed myself with food, have you?

Tomorrow, I'm A Donkey. . .

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I Have No Pretty Pictures For You, Are You Disappointed?

I have noticed a trend, most popular blogs have pictures in just about every post. They have ads, they have all of this blog margin-bling, they 'pimp' other blogs; meanwhile, here at Normal To Eat PB, all you will find are words and a couple of lists with more words.

I want to give; I want to nourish, in fact. So, I wonder, are my words enough? Are my words too much? Are they like Melba toast without topping or accompanying drink or do they fatten like baby back ribs? Do they leave you wanting more like potato chips or do you walk away feeling gorged on cookies? Are they like vitamins? Are they tasteless, bland, grey? Do you take them in because they are here for the taking or because there is something you get from them, some flavor, some satisfaction; a trigger for thoughts, memories, loves?

Perhaps, in them, you read little snippets of the mundane, and it makes you feel comfortable. Or perhaps, here, you read little tatters of pain, and it makes you feel superior - happier. Perhaps, these words don't matter and don't apply to the general population - no one is interested really, and in fact, it is not the words that draw you here, but me. Because I've been honest, and maybe my truth is of no consequence to you, but the transparency of my vibrant and defiant spirit is.

I could make you comfortable; break up all these letters with visual interest - allowing you to catch your breath for a moment. But I like to bat you around like a cat with a mouse and introduce you to my horrors and loves; introduce you to my nightmares and lovers; introduce you to my strengths and weaknesses; introduce you to my dark and light. I like to watch you sweat and twitch and stumble - I'm nervous too and I don’t want to feel alone. I like to think that somewhere and in some way, I am seeping in, although I don't know what impact I may have.

I could show you pirouettes and pliates and breasts and legs; I could take you by the hand and treat you like my poor little baby:

Poor little baby
            Poor little baby with her eyes sewn shut, I’d hold you if I could
            and show you the seven wonders of the world and show you the wonders of the world.
I could take you and use you up poor little baby with your eyes sewn shut.
            Honey, sugar, sweetheart listen I can teach you much. I can show you how to touch and feel
            with me you’d understand and then you would understand.
I could take you and hold you down poor little baby with your heart worn out.
            lovely, innocent, fleshy creature I can fill you with joy. I can make you smile again because I am the one, the only one, I am the one I am.
I could take you and smack you around poor little baby that luckily I found.
            I’ll hold your hand and kiss your lips. I can make you want more, I know what you like, see I know more than you think. You can’t hurt me I’m invincible
I could take you and screw your mind poor little baby with your hands tied tight.

                                                            I hate/love you more than you know
                                                            because in my mind I know you know
                                                            and I’ve seen the tears that you’ve cried
Poor little baby shut your eyes.


I could make you trust me even as I show you, with all of this prose and poetry, maddening images of self-loathing disgust. I could bring you down here, with me. and we could ride out these sentences into oblivion, because the only queendom I will ever have is that of written - and that I've written - and I rule with 'ENTER' and 'DEL'. I knight with 'ALT' and 'CTRL', and you, for this short time, for these few minutes a day, are my subjects and I am yours.

No, there are no pretty pictures here, are you disappointed?

Tomorrow, Eat Me, Drink Me. . .

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Can't Breathe

Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe; it's a feeling of being overwhelmed. Hopelessness and helplessness take hold and inflame my most secret insecurities. I grope within me for some form of assistance, never wanting to go outside of me for my own solutions. I take flawed murky water to quench my broken spirit and heal the lacerations; sludge fills me.

Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe; when I venture into the ocean, knowing that my swimming is not strong. Little sea creatures scuttle beneath my feet, mocking me. I stare down at them and conclude that it is unsafe to tread the sand beneath the crystal clear water. And the waves suddenly come. They knock me down, telling me to be brave and to persevere - to swim and breathe.

Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe; my eyes closed and deep in subconscious, nightmaring again. I run in fear from the dark and what lurks there. As I flee for my life, I wonder if the monster is of my own creation. Slowly, the air is diminished, slowly I am deprived, slowly I am choking and fall to my knees.  understand that I have the power to take a breath whenever I want, but my lungs refuse to fill.

Tomorrow, I Have No Pretty Pictures For You, Are You Disappointed?. . .

Monday, March 28, 2011

Poetry Corner

Away (3/2/07)
fleeting scenes fly by - pinpoint photos in time
they inspire me
the way you do
to come to you
live in to your rhythm and flow
completely let go
and all i have to risk
is everything
and all i want to give
is everything
so come to me as i whisper your name
come to me
as i take you in


Wind (3/10/95)
the wind is blowing in my ears whispering harsh words to me that sting
and the moon only offers half-light
but the sky is clear
that is all i came to see tonight,
the heaven's above my soul

i stand as a mountaintop above the world, below the heavens
looking up, trying to catch a glimpse of God
maybe even searching for my humanity
and i dare not blink and miss my mystic guide
for i have so many questions
and i want to put an end to my grief
this aching, longing, pain i've had since birth
and perhaps if i met my creator, while still on this earth, i could understand and move on, maybe i could lead the life he'd want me to live.

So i raise my hands to him in praise and prayer
asking him to relieve me
and i notice how the moon pales my skin, covering my form
and how i seem to bridge the gap between heaven and earth
how majestic and exhilarating
Now i realize that God surrounds me, high on mountain tops or amid my brethren, amid fog or stars, sun or moon

The wind stings my face as i stand on this mountain top and my garment is now a tattered rag blowing and conforming to the gusts. My hands still toward God, my thoughts still in prayer, knowing i will never be at peace until peace be with me
living as He has chosen for me
. . .not under the half light of the moon in search of what i know to be true
but being in truth

from the mouth of God
to my soul


WHO SURVIVES?

who survives

when you feel his hand reaching for you , groping you
and all he wants to do is hurt you for his warped purpose , . . . to have a sense of manhood , of being alive and dangerous

then, who survives

who     survives
who survives. who      survives! who survives!! WHO SURVIVES!!! who survives this madness, this insanity, this cruel vile thing?
who survives?
and afterwards
on Earth
everything I touch turns to dirt

To live to die
I still do not survive

and      living
all i m
is anger and rage and pain
and fear,
it will happen again
and again and again and again and again and again. . .

and fear of being a perpetrator or instigator or accessory to that deed
prevents me
to give life so that i may not take it

so i m no survivor
i m no phoenix who can rise from her ashes and start again

no, i m a carpenter building on shallow ruins of what was mine
and once in a while my edifice crumbles and the visage i wear cracks
my façade has ended
i must start again

who survives dear God? who survives

Tomorrow, Can't Breathe. . .

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Unexpected

This post is mostly for me - a record of this time, of what's going on with me and my body - as such, I suggest any sensitive men types stay away for today.

I feel strange, I haven't had a period since December and now I am worried. My surgery went well to release my uterus from my large intestines and remove the degenerating fibroids. I had little bleeding from anywhere since then and my pain varies, although it is not as bad as it was before the surgery. So now what? This is unexpected, I feel like I'm missing my womanhood. I feel incomplete. I feel incompetent. I feel. . .

I want to move on from this; from worrying about my womanly problems. I don't want to think of what it all means, and how it all started (aka Normal To EatPB and Recipe For A Baby). I am lost. The doctor said it may take a few months for things to get back to normal, but it's going on four months and now I am worried. What if this whole thing triggered an early menopause? What if something else is wrong? I have no answers. I can't get any answers; only one word: wait. So I wait, and I am scared, because there are no answers.

Tomorrow, Poetry Corner. . .

Saturday, March 26, 2011

My Loves, Inspired By Accidental Miracles

Today, as inspired by Accidental Miracles, I would like to list the things I love;

I love the sun shining on my face on a lazy day when I intend to read a great book or knit or paint. The warmth and the light of it reminds me how wonderful life can be and how simple and uncomplicated.

I love watching people I love laugh, in Laughing Is The Cure I described their laughs - they make me happy when the laughs are sincere and uncontrolled. The laughs make me know that happiness is possible, even in the midst of tragedy.

I love looking my husband in his kind hazel eyes while he strokes my hair. In that moment I know that he loves me and there is a brick wall of confidence put up between my heart and my insecurities.

I love sipping tea on my couch when my house is spotless and I can smell the Lysol and the slight odor of bleach. It gives me peace to know I'm in a clean home.

I love walking through the park and taking in all the colors of the spring flowers. The view of the river in the background and children traipsing through the grass. It slows life down and fixes any ailment in my soul.

I love writing; taking my thoughts, ideas and feelings and spraying them in a document to be immortalized in computer memory - saved for me to read over and over again, or published, so I can share them with you.

What do you love?

Tomorrow, The Unexpected. . .

Friday, March 25, 2011

Play Time Is Over

So, I grew up a tom-boy, and as such I often have boyish behavior - particularly when I am alone with my husband. Often I like to initiate wrestling matches, tickle fights, and I also enjoy smacking his butt. To me, he is so much more than my husband, he's also my friend. As explained in Prom Night, we have a long history. We rough-house often and neither of us like to lose.

So, the reason I bring this up is because my husband usually winds up on the short end of the stick when it comes to us playing. I inadvertently scratch him, or make him strain or sprain something, and when we wrestle and I'm losing I threaten to grab his nuts and squash them. You heard me. I don't like to lose. When he gets hurt, I always feel bad, but I like to win more than I care about feeling bad - I mean, intellectually that isn't true, but in the heat of the moment I never think straight. My husband is a gentle soul, and he usually just lets me bowl him over, but occasionally he likes to show his dominance. When he does this, rarely do I feel like he's hurt me. To me, we're like two tiger cubs batting each other around.

Lately though, I've been thinking that I need to quit this behavior because it just seems so immature even if we are alone and no one (until now) knows that we do this. The thing about it is that after we rough-house I always feel so much closer to him on a human level, not a husband and wife level; it reminds me of playing with my brothers when I was a child.

What do you all think? Is this wrong?

Tomorrow, My Loves, Inspired By Accidental Miracles. . .

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Get Pointy - The Sequel

Partially because I'm sick and partially because I'm at a loss for what to write about today (and yet I know exactly what I want to write about tomorrow : ) I am posting another benign novel excerpt:


The Point - Chapter 4 Excerpt

     He was ready. He got dressed in his uniform. The plastic bag with the name of the Chinese food restaurants' name on it was removed. The cartons were now in a plain brown paper bag. He drove to downtown Manhattan and parked on 2nd Avenue. He walked past 3rd Avenue, Lexington, and finally he was on Park Avenue. He walked to her building and stepped inside, "Delivery, 8C." His French accent was light and refined.
     "Hold on a minute." The doorman called upstairs, "Hey, there's no answer."
     He knew there wouldn't be. Harold Rosenbaum didn't get off work until well after 7PM, "I do not know about this, but I do know that someone named Rosenbaum called and ordered these meals. I will take them back, but I will not come again."
     The doorman thought a minute, he stopped Peter before he left for good, "Wait, go up, maybe there's something wrong with the line. If no one answers, come right back down."
     He stepped into the elevator and pressed 8. He got off, went directly to the exit and raced to the 9th floor, he didn't have much time. He opened her door using the keys, ran up to her bedroom and placed two cameras, one in the bathroom and one in the bedroom facing the bed - they were undetectable. He jumped several steps back downstairs with the paper bag in hand. He placed a camera in the kitchen along with the transmitter - she was rarely in the kitchen - and the last by the door facing the living space and her desk.
     He left, locking the door behind him, running back down to the 8th floor - leaving the bag in the compactor room - and took the elevator down to the lobby.
     "These people, how dare they make me wait while they check the bag. These filthy Americans!" He muttered to himself as he walked out and tossed one of his hands in the air.
     He got in his car and returned home. He thought of tossing out the jacket, but reconsidered; it might come in handy again. He went upstairs, with the jacket folded over his arm, the first thing he did after locking his door was go to his television and get a view of her home.
     The cameras worked perfectly, he had a great view of her couch and desk, the kitchen and eating area, a view of her huge walk-in shower, and her bed - but he knew how she operated, she would never bring anyone into her sanctuary - she did her whoring away from home.
     It was a bit satisfying, to know he would be able to watch her whenever he wanted without leaving home. He made sure the dvr was connected and on and went to sleep.
     5 o'clock in the morning was his waking hour. He got up and went into the bathroom to get ready, the floor was firm and set and he showered leaving a shadow of a beard behind. He put on a shirt, tie and slacks, grabbed his backpack stuffed with a dark blue jumpsuit and headed out.
     He punched in as he walked into the mailroom. There was a small army of men buzzing around packages, letters, boxes and equipment.
     "Hey, Pete! Over here." His new boss yelled at him from across the room. He walked to where Harry Blumenstein stood, "So what do I do?"
     "You take this cart to floors 16 and 17 and give the people their mail as you pick up. The numbers of the offices and cubicles match the numbers on these hanging folders. You can match the names too. You're early, but you can get started - come back here when you're done."
     "k." Peter walked out the door with the two tiered cart and towards the only elevator well leading down there - the freight elevators leading to every floor. He got in and punched 16, later he'd be punching the 4th floor, where her office was.
     He met many people on his run, a good deal wishing him a 'great!' first day. His run was simple and he gathered by talking to many of the admins that there wouldn't be much outgoing mail. He figured he probably had one of the slower runs. The floors were identical in layout and both dull and grey with niches for cubicles and offices lining the outer walls - like minimum security jail cells with benign lifeless prisoners - for the most part. Security seemed to be low on his route; the floors he serviced were the Corporate Responsibility, Employee Retention and Purchasing departments. He knew that the departments had no information on her that he would be interested in, but he also knew that the lack of the level of security he might find on the 4th floor could serve him well.
      "Hey man, what's up?" A black man got on the freight elevator with a cart of his own.
     "Nothin man, just trying to make it through day 1. What floors are you?" Peter put his foot on the brace by the carts rear wheels.
     "I got 14 and 12. So what are you here for? Tryin to pull a 'Secret of my Success'?"
     "Whatdaya mean?"
     "You know, like that Michael J. Fox guy - what's with the tie?" His tie was flipped up by 2 black fingers.
     "It's what they told me to wear. . . but I guess dress code goes out the window after a while, huh?" He leaned against the elevator wall.
     "Well. . . " the man took a look at Peter's ID clipped to the front pocket of his pants, "Peter, I guess so." the man let out a little laugh. "Gabriel man." Gabriel put his right hand out for a handshake.
     The elevator finally stopped at lower level 2 and they got out, "So what do I do now?" They rolled their carts to the mailroom.
     "You gotta sort for the next run. Plus run any packages you got." Gabriel pointed to a large stack of mail in a bin with Peter's name on it.
     "Oh. . ." The frown on Peter's face caused Gabriel to laugh raucously.
     His lunch break came quicker than he anticipated and happened to coincide with Gabriel's. Despite his best efforts, Peter stuck to the excuse he made not to take lunch together - he had to go to the post office. In fact, there was more truth in it than not. He did go to the Post Office - to rent a PO box, but even if he did not plan to go, he still would have found a way out of the lunch date.
     After the day's work was done, he left the premises and went to a diner 15 blocks away to eat dinner. He had stewed cabbage and water without dessert. The waitress that served him jokingly asked if he was on a diet. He didn't answer, but instead asked for a wedge of lemon with his water. That stopped all of her small talk.
     He finished with his dinner at about 7PM and went back to the office building he spent most of his day in earlier.
     "ID sir." The guard stood by an ID scanner. Peter showed it and swiped it then went to the elevator well stopping on the 4th floor. He searched the floor a bit, but finally found her office, which was open. He knew there was a camera recording his entrance, but there was no other way, her admin was here during the times that he might truly have cause to visit her office, and he doubted she would let him walk in and hide a camera along with a transmitter.
     He took his time to find a perfect spot for the camera where it would not be blocked by the door opening or closing, but still had a perfect view of her at her desk. He wrapped the transmitter in a plastic bag and buried it in the soil of her potted plant. He wiped his hands on a napkin, made sure he had all of his belongings and left.
     As he walked back to the elevator well, a guard approached him, "ID."
     Peter took out his ID. The guard looked him over for a second, "Alright."
     Peter left and was on his way to his night job. Peter was back in the Bronx by 8:30. He walked to Bronxwood Avenue and jogged up the steps of Harrison High School. He banged on the door, after the first knock there was an answer, "All right!" An elderly man dressed in a blue jumpsuit smelling of pine and rum opened the big metal door.
     "And who might you be?" His Irish accent was there although not prominent.
     "I'm Peter. . . you know, the guy you hired to cleanup in the night - you remember? Quiet an off the books?" Peter stood at the front door with his backpack slung over his shoulder staring at the old man.
     "Bout time you got here, where’s your clothes? Unless you plan to scrub shit an graffiti in your nancy boy clothes." He and Peter walked down the hallways as Mr. Flannigan showed Peter where the bathrooms were on the floor, explaining that they would be in the same location on every floor except the basement where the locker rooms were. He didn't really need a tour, he spent 4 years here being tortured in one way or another.
      "Can’t bend like I use to, but you go an get to it. I'll be up front waiting for you. The mop, bucket and such are over there. . . . and, I'll know. . ."
     "You'll know what?"
     "Why, I'll know if you fuck it up son." Peter walked away and got to work. He finished in exactly 1 hour attacking the dirt and grime ferociously. By 10:00 PM he was home to start it all over again.
     Adrienne ate another dinner with Carl, this one not as somber as the first couple. She wondered, as they talked about his family, what he would do once he was all alone in this big quiet house again. She wondered what she would do without his company - she did know what she hoped not to do, but old habits die hard. In the mist of their conversation the phone rung, "I'll get it." He'd already forgotten that she was a temporary guest and not family  - not someone with the right to answer the phone.
     He came back into the kitchen with a sour face, "That was Chief Wallace. He says the Andersons and the Fosters do want to hold a memorial service for your friends. . . . . . .but they would prefer if you not show."
     "Thank you for your kindness Carl, but I am almost positive they demanded that I not be there. It's alright, I don't need them or anyone else to help me remember my friends, I just wanted to make sure they were remembered." As Adrienne spoke, tears ran down her face. Carl knew in his heart that she wanted to share her grief with people who felt the same way as she did about her friends, but it couldn't be him. He didn't know them that well and he was a recluse. All he could do was go to her and give her a hug and she hugged back with all of the hurt and pain inside her.
     When they parted her lips muttered a question, "When is it?"
     "Tomorrow at noon."
     "Will you go for me?"
     "I'll go for you."
     "Thank you for everything, everything."
     "You're welcome to everything, everything." She wished he had been her father, she wished she could bring him with her to nurture her and protect her. . . .she wished.

Tomorrow, Play Time Is Over. . .

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Be A Bitch

I used to be a good girl, no scratch that, a nice girl. A super nice girl. Always making promises to help people; loaning out money like a bank, giving away money like the lottery, using my free time to volunteer for whatever came my way. I was a promise machine and people knew that they could come to me if they needed something.

I'm not sure if that has really changed. I started this blog entry with the intention to say I have become a bitch. I wanted to say that I took inventory of my life and have decided that I need to do more for me, but as I was about to type those words, I realized the truth. The truth is that just last week I volunteered to help promote a friend's performance. I stood out in the cold without a scarf and now I am sick. The truth is I just loaned a friend money when I am in fact jobless and have no income. The fact is I have an unfinished novel but am now occasionally writing two blogs to help promote a friend. Yet, I want to be, no, I need to be a bitch.

There are things that I need to get done for myself, but I've been sluggish. It's almost as if I prefer to deal with other people's issues than with my own. I understand the need for altruism in society, I understand the spiritual blessings that can come from aiding others, I understand that love is caring in action. Yet, I need to be a bitch; I need to finish my novel, I need to save money, I need to promote my own endeavors.

Is it fear that keeps me on this path? Rejection, abandonment, ridicule; are these the little angel/demons on my shoulder prompting me to continue to extend myself in this fashion?

I will admit that when I was younger, it was worse. I over-promised and under-delivered consistently because I had so many commitments. I would promise to be in one place at 3 in the afternoon and promise to be somewhere half way across town at 4 pm knowing that even if I left early, I would never be able to make it on time. Sometimes I would loan out money and not be able to pay my rent. These things I don't do any more. I like to keep my promises, and I really dis-like disappointing people, so I have been saying no a lot more. And really, this is what I mean by being a bitch - saying no.

So, yes, I have learned to make the word no a part of my vocabulary and not feel bad about saying the word when it needs to be said. Perhaps I am still more over-involved in things outside of what needs to be done for me, but I have improved, because it's okay, and we all have the permission of our own spirits, to be a bitch.

Don't you agree?

Tomorrow, Get Pointy - The Sequel. . .

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Everybody Poops

Don't worry, this entry is not about the poop that winds up in the toilet - it's about poops in the mind. You know, the thoughts that are sometimes spoken, and as they come out we know we need to wipe our mouths and the faces of those around us and flush away the offense. I've been having these mind poops for years.

I remember when I was 16 and worked at a music store I made a comment to a gentleman at work that essentially boiled down to, you are old and senile and I am better than you. I thought I was just being truthful and nice - that is, until the words were crossing my lips. I could hear how snarky I sounded as I was speaking. I wanted to shut my mouth, I wanted to turn and walk away, but for some unknown reason I kept talking. I guess it was because my mind was telling me the thoughts were okay, so why wouldn't the words be. He promptly hit me on the crown of my head with a CD and walked away. I never saw it coming.

I said many things over the years I wish I could have taken back or never said. The words, "Leave me alone!", "I don't have time.", and "Wow, that really doesn't look right on you." come to mind. I'm not sure how I would feel if I were really left alone, and I have regretted not spending time with the people I love who needed me, and sometimes people need the confidence to move on from a certain look rather than a brash insult.

How often have I told people, "I don't like you." just because in my head I was being true to my feelings, only to wonder about the impact of those words as I watched the persons face turn into a quizzical hurt contortion of flesh. No one has been spared from my mind poops; not the young, nor old, nor family, nor strangers. All have been used as porcelain thrones to the waste that I have spewed. It was so bad that people at work used to treat my little musings like a sport; just waiting for me to drop those little stinkers. Once, I told a boss of mine, as she was moving her belongings to another desk, "Oh, a blonde with books?" Another subordinate helping out laughed himself silly. I guess as I was saying it, I gave the stink face.

As I have gotten older, I find that I speak a lot less than I used to and listen more, but the thoughts are still there. I fear I may have mind constipation and will need a laxative or fiber (aka The National Enquirer or a dictionary); it makes me worry about the next mind poop I have, because I know it's really gonna hurt.

At least I can take comfort in the fact that I am not alone, I know that everybody poops. Would you share your poops with me in the comments section below?

Tomorrow, Be A Bitch. . .

PS, Daniel Tosh on Tosh.0 uses his mind poops regarding videos to make a living, maybe I can try this too. . . :)

Monday, March 21, 2011

Laughing Is the Cure

I just realized that C Lo at One Smarmy Mama was kind enough to list my blog on her site as well as Susan at Non Linear Thinking. This must have been for a while now - I am super dense :), I am at both of these blogs with every new post and I look at my stats constantly - how this escaped me, the world will never know.

Now, on with the show. . .

Laughing in my family is an art form. We have the horse laugh - my mother and I possess this laugh, it's kind of like a wild bray. The rico suave - two of my brothers have this laugh, it's a cool couple of mild laughs accompanied by a slight smile. We also have the hick laugh - it's a brash southern chortle that invites you to laugh along, without scaring people unlike the horse laugh. Lastly, we have the sarcastic laugh, mastered by my youngest brother, when he laughs you just know he thinks you're a fool. I also do a high squeaky laugh, but that's reserved for things that are particularly funny.

I haven't laughed a lot lately; I've been amused, but my laughter has pretty much died. I wonder if it's a phenomenon that comes with getting older or if it's just because my life's circumstances have been so grim. But I do know that laughter is part of the cure. It's the part that welcomes joy back into my life, it's the part that invites people to share in my happiness, it's the part that lightens my heart. What is life without laughter?

Things/people that make me laugh:
My husband
Daniel Tosh on Tosh.0
People falling (I know it's wrong, but honestly I can't help it)
Snot bubbles
Unexpected farts
Susan at Non Linear Thinking
JJ at Methenjim
Simple Dude In A Complex World
Me choking on food, which does not help the choking
The cascade of mini-comedies that erupt in every day life

What makes you laugh?

Tomorrow, Everybody Poops. . .

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Bees Sting

I remember bees. My first time away at camp at age 13 I saw bumbling bees by berry bushes. They looked lazy; slow and full of pollen or whatever else it is that bees eat. The sun was bright but the berry bushes gave dimpled shade and perfumed the sticky air - and I watched inadvertently as I picked berries, one thought echoing through my head. It was something my mother said to me - snakes like to hide near berry bushes.

Walking to work, I passed gladiolas. It was 7am. Bees were busy at work sipping and bumbling along. I walked confidently towards them and then passed them, but my perfume was sweet. It attracted one bee in particular - he was in love. He followed me all the way to the entrance of the subway, careful not to get too close, but close enough to take in the aroma. We parted ways as friends.

Watching the nature channel, I saw a queen bee. I paid little attention to it, I was interested in the male bees. I was interested in how they were drawn to the queen. How all they wanted to do is stick their little bee penis's in the queen. But what happens after the intercourse? The little male bee’s penis breaks off inside the queen and it dies. At least, this is what I remember.

They die, the bees, when they get angry enough to sting, because unlike wasps, bees stingers are barbed and they break off in their victims often exposing their innards. Yet, their angrier cousins, the wasps, get to live. What if people died when they were angry enough to hurt others. What if people's innards were exposed once they shot or stabbed or raped?

What have I learned from the life of a bee? I have learned to enjoy the aroma of the roses, but to get the work done. I have learned to love and let go when necessary. I have learned that love can be deadly. I have learned that anger can kill us both, because this is what happens when bees sting.

Tomorrow, Laughing Is The Cure. . .
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