I used to be a good girl, no scratch that, a nice girl. A super nice girl. Always making promises to help people; loaning out money like a bank, giving away money like the lottery, using my free time to volunteer for whatever came my way. I was a promise machine and people knew that they could come to me if they needed something.
I'm not sure if that has really changed. I started this blog entry with the intention to say I have become a bitch. I wanted to say that I took inventory of my life and have decided that I need to do more for me, but as I was about to type those words, I realized the truth. The truth is that just last week I volunteered to help promote a friend's performance. I stood out in the cold without a scarf and now I am sick. The truth is I just loaned a friend money when I am in fact jobless and have no income. The fact is I have an unfinished novel but am now occasionally writing two blogs to help promote a friend. Yet, I want to be, no, I need to be a bitch.
There are things that I need to get done for myself, but I've been sluggish. It's almost as if I prefer to deal with other people's issues than with my own. I understand the need for altruism in society, I understand the spiritual blessings that can come from aiding others, I understand that love is caring in action. Yet, I need to be a bitch; I need to finish my novel, I need to save money, I need to promote my own endeavors.
Is it fear that keeps me on this path? Rejection, abandonment, ridicule; are these the little angel/demons on my shoulder prompting me to continue to extend myself in this fashion?
I will admit that when I was younger, it was worse. I over-promised and under-delivered consistently because I had so many commitments. I would promise to be in one place at 3 in the afternoon and promise to be somewhere half way across town at 4 pm knowing that even if I left early, I would never be able to make it on time. Sometimes I would loan out money and not be able to pay my rent. These things I don't do any more. I like to keep my promises, and I really dis-like disappointing people, so I have been saying no a lot more. And really, this is what I mean by being a bitch - saying no.
So, yes, I have learned to make the word no a part of my vocabulary and not feel bad about saying the word when it needs to be said. Perhaps I am still more over-involved in things outside of what needs to be done for me, but I have improved, because it's okay, and we all have the permission of our own spirits, to be a bitch.
Don't you agree?
Tomorrow, Get Pointy - The Sequel. . .
I don't think saying "No" makes you a bitch, but if that's what it takes to get things done and not over-commit, then its good to be one.
ReplyDeleteWhat would you call a guy who says "No"?
Hey, your instincts are good but they don't pay the rent. Go ahead, say no, but soften it with, in a month ask me again, because then I can afford to help you.
ReplyDeleteI feel guilty saying no if I can help. However, for you, you didn't know when to stop saying yes.
Normal, I do hope you get your job back soon. And publish that novel, or that screenplay. With your talent, you are bound to go far.
ReplyDelete@Simon, I guess I would call a guy a dog - doesnt sound as titlating though :)
ReplyDelete@Rosaria, thank you so much for being so complimentary and sincere, I agree that maybe some of my no's need to be tempered with kindness.
I used to be the same way. I always let people use me.. Need me to work your shift for you, even though I already had plans? sure need me to lend you money, even though i might not have enough gas to get through the week? sure... but, I have learned how to say no more... most of the time. :)
ReplyDeleteamberlashell.com
Always helping out can leave you too tired to do anything for yourself. However I had to put a hold on helping too many people once I became a mother and like Rosaria says, it does help to appoligize when we are not capabale.
ReplyDelete@Amber there will always be people who will want to take advantage of someone with a generous nature - it's good to be able to recognize that.
ReplyDelete@Munir, tired! Whew, I am most certainly tired. I am so ready to just stop it all and focus on me so I can get my own work done. . . I can't even finish this thought.
@Rosaria I just had some literary agents tell me that my stories don't pique their interst so I guess I suck. . .
ReplyDeletedefinitely.
ReplyDeletetruer words haven't been said
Thanks for dropping by JJ, are youa bitch? :)
ReplyDeleteYou are NO BITCH. A bitch is someone who actually enjoys hurting people. A bitch thinks only of herself and never looks around to see the other people in the world.
ReplyDeleteSo in my humble opinion you are no bitch. I think it's healthy to respect your limits and stick to them. Not giving money you don't have to give doesn't make you bad it makes you smart. Saying no to something that you don't have the time for is simple self preservation. You can't give anyone anything from an empty vessel you know. When you are taken care of and your needs have been met then and only THEN do you have an obligation to look around and find ways to improve the human condition. Either on a large more anonymous scale or a small personal one. Take care of YOU sweetie and the rest will follow!
Love ya!
You are so rightn Susan, but you know the person asking sometimes doesnt care if you have it or not and therefore you are labeled a bitch :(
ReplyDelete