Writing this blog, and choosing to tell certain people in my life that this blog exists, has had consequences. I've always been one to stand firm in my decisions - to take my punishment or reward - but now. . . now I'm afraid to talk.
I've said so much already. I've uttered words that have held such power over me when they only existed in my head. My silence was my comfort and buffer against further harm and pain. When I chose to release them into the world, for eyes other than my own, I chose to expose my innards. Some of the results I anticipated: friends and family worried; maybe even some would be upset. Other results I could have never anticipated; for instance, I get the impression that some folks are using my more graphic stories as some form of pornography, the antithesis of my intention.
One result that I could have only hoped for is that my stories would be shared with other young women, as raw and real as they are, and that they would avoid the pitfalls, or understand their own experiences better. It was a gift to hear those words from one my readers.
And yet, here I am again, afraid to talk. Afraid to talk about things that people close to me may not have known. I'm afraid to know whether my words have hurt people I love or whether they have changed opinions of me. Because despite the whole sticks and stones adage, words do have power. During my 30 day purge, I was a shaman feeding visions to my tribe and casting off demons. Now the power I wielded has diminished and my staff no longer protects me from what may jump from the mists in the fire burning before me. I am powerless against the thoughts resulting from my actions. I am weak.
I am weak.
I am weak and my movements serve to elude the slings and arrows of speech; avoiding phone calls, ignoring texts, and fretting over emails I have yet to receive. Because I know that one more negativity resulting from my past will be the final wisp of a breeze that sends me careening over the cliff of my life into the chasm of my despair. and so yes,
i am afraid to talk
Tomorrow, Rapscallions!. . .
I'm still reticent to talk about certain things. It's a normal reaction. Take a deep breadth and take one step forward. Remember, you are the author of your life from now on.
ReplyDeletethank u for the encouragement rosaria!
ReplyDeleteI suddenly had an analogy pop into my head that you might find appropriate. It's kind of gross, but somehow it seems relevant.
ReplyDeleteSay you had accidently swallowed poison and the only way to save and heal yourself was to force yourself to throw it up. Now throwing up is never pleasant, but generally it makes you feel better afterwards. The only problem is that sometimes when you puke with enough force some of it might splash back up onto you. Now that vomit you have on your face and even in your hair can't really harm you, but it's as unpleasant as hell. Eventually though you stop the heaving and clean yourself up. So maybe you can think of the unpleasant consequences as the vomit that splattered on you while puking. Unpleasant, but not life threatening.
You are funny as all heck! you should blog about that analogy and make up other gross analogies - too too funny :D
ReplyDeletePS you are right, it is most appropriate and i shall be clean tomorrow :)
That's the problem with writing and sharing that writing with the world. There will always be consequences. I am faced with many of them because some of the truths that I revealed in my blog, but that's ok. I just keep going anyway. At least I know that I'm being true to myself.
ReplyDeletetoo true JAL, too true. i just sometimes can handle a certain amount of the consequence at one time :)
ReplyDeletefor what it's worth.......every time I defy the fear and just speak my truth, I always feel better in the end.
ReplyDeleteYes C Lo, speaking the truth in a way that is constructive and in a way that will lead to reconcilliation or solution is best. . .
ReplyDeleteOh, Norms, (for what else can I call you when I'm at the firm at 12;30 am about to work the full night shift)... Writing this and inviting people in your life to read it *was* a provocative act. I'm not saying good or bad. Perhaps you needed it to be this way. Some might say dropping the bomb and then walking away or refusing to talk is controlling. I'm not sure I agree with that. I am confident however, that engaging with people is the next step and now is the time to take it, however tentatively. You gotta do the hard work. And you have to accept the reality of flawed people caring about you in a flawed way. If you choose to reply, do it to my email, not here please. And the apartment was already taken. (And another complication...)
ReplyDeletexo, BK