Throughout my life, I have always had friends who, because of what they've seen me live through - the blessings and curses - they're faith in God has either become stronger, or it has diminished. I've had a friend who was an atheist come to me and say she believed in angels because of some of the things I had been spared. I've had a friend come to me and say, if God exists, why would He let you live through this - you don't deserve this? But, no matter what, my faith in God has always remained. It has been my own personal experiences that have led me to the choice to believe, my own personal inner voice - sometimes a whisper, sometimes a scream, sometimes a tap on the shoulder. My faith is for me, I share it with those I am led to, and I respect the right of others to disagree. But for me, ever since I was a young girl, I knew someone was protecting me, and it wasn't my parents.
Maybe this sounds ungrateful, I hope not, but it is my true feeling - I didn't felt safe as a child. In fact, I blamed my molestation on my father's absence for a long time; I am just now coming to terms with the fact that even if he were around he might not have been able to prevent what happened. This is something I know intellectually, but as I am typing, it is still a revelation of knowledge; that sentence, ". . .even if he were around he might not have been able to prevent what happened." it sends shockwaves through my system. So within, my soul, it is tumultuous, but I can still make poetry from that turmoil:
GOD WALKS WITH ME
God Walks With Me
In a time when all is lost and every dream is gone
every hope gone
every friend
and bit of life
God walks with me
even if you don't believe
or
can't believe
God walks with me
Heartaches
and
Soul aches
through
Headaches
God walks with me
and I praise
I rise
I raise my hands to pray
and I sin
submit
disappoint and blunder
yet. . .
He walks with me
unworthy am i
Forever fuming in my own ambivalence
forever flaming in my rage over millennium old conflicts
forever unable to see
why God Walks with me. . .
My lamentations, ghosts of actions
My penance, philanthropic meanderings and ablutions
Tomorrow, Excerpt - The Point (Working Title)
Beautifully written. And good for you to stick with what you believe.
ReplyDeleteWell done. I admire anyone who writes poetry like that. I've never really been able do to poetry. My brain is not abstract enough for it.
ReplyDeletethank you so much for the compliment, but feel free to say it's crap if you think so - I won't be offended :)
ReplyDelete@JAL, your blog is poetry - it has a pace and rythm and speaks to the senses :)
ReplyDeleteThat is a really well written poem.
ReplyDeleteI dont have faith in my life but i have so much respect for people that do. I'm kind of jealous of people that have this level of believe in something.
Keep the poems coming, this made me smile this morning :)
Hey there, I also liked the poem. I think you're correct, even if your father had been there, it might not have changed anything. Unfortunately, that's the sad fact of many molestation cases. I'm truly not being dismissive, I just think it is helpful to understand that.
ReplyDeleteI had a really bad childhood too, PB. I don't really talk about it any longer because I need to. I won, basically. I defined my life by my own terms and I did that by working through stuff years ago.
So that's what I hope for for you when I read your blog. That you will win, you will define your own life. I believe that you will, by the way. You will someday no longer be haunted by the ghosts of your childhood.
I don't know about God, PB. I've seen organized religion do some less than glorious things, but that doesn't preclude there being a central truth in religions. But here's one thought, perhaps God isn't there to solve our problems, or prevent them...but instead to comfort us through them and be waiting for us, when our time here is done.
Now, I don't know if that's true or not but one thing seems certain: bad things happen to good people all the time. It's not handed out as a judgment of any kind. Good things happen to bad people too. This earth is probably not a merit based system.
But I think it helps sometimes to realize it wasn't ever a judgment...just a thing that happened. You had a bad childhood, I had a bad childhood...and we get to make a good life, that is our own.
You are so right Shimp - but it's one thing to know something intellectually and then take it in emotionallyg and allow that knowledge to change your feelings. Such a struggle for me!
ReplyDeleteAs for organized religion, I am not realy a fan of it either, but I do have a belief nonetheless. It's independent of religion.
In my next post I'll summarize a discussion my husband and I had about religion last night. :)
You are sage, and I appreciate that through all you've been through, and through all I've been through, we could come to this forum and share. Thank you for being heere with me.